Romana and me

I’m confused by all these people who tell me that I am an insulting person, that I’m arrogant and condescending, trying to use my intellect to put people down.  I am not aware of being as nasty as they say I am.   I don’t remember wanting to put anyone down.  And I would think that if I wanted to insult someone, I surely would remember it.  But a recent conversation with Morgan gave me a new perspective.  I can honestly say that it’s all a misunderstanding.  

When I was growing up, the only real role model I had was W.C.Fields.  For you young whippersnappers out there have no idea who that is, W.C. Fields was a popular humorist in the 30’s.  There was the Marx Brothers, there was Burns and Allen, and there was Fields.  On screen, Fields’ character was the culmination of everything bad a person could be.  He was a heavy drinker.  He was a con man and liar.  He hated nearly everything.  He once said, “Anyone who hates little dogs and children can’t be all bad.”  Fields was the only comedian who could kick a kid on screen and get away with it.   People loved to hate this horrible person.

The thing is, it was all an act.  OK, he did drink as much as his screen persona did.  But other than that, Fields was an affable and pleasant man.   Problem was that his on screen persona was so popular that it was difficult to find him out of character.  He was rather like Stephan Colbert in that respect.  How many of you have ever seen Colbert when he wasn’t playing the clueless right wing pundit? 

Lots of comedians have not so nice characters.  It’s the nature of comedy.  You don’t get laughs by showing someone else is an asshole or an idiot.  You get laughs by making the audience think YOU are an idiot or an asshole.  Why do you think that someone as erudite and intelligent as Rowen Ackinson would go around being a hapless buffoon like Mr. Bean?   Or why Don Rickles could make a career out of calling people hockey pucks.  These are all characters, highlighting the worst characteristics of humanity in order to make us laugh.  And we do.

I have my own irascible character, Romana the time lord.  Romana is indescribably intelligent and wants to make sure that everyone knows it.   She does not tolerate anyone who isn’t as smart as she is….which to her is nearly everyone.   Romana has no opinions…just facts.  She even found the Doctor to be a tedious bore and is not shy to say so…frequently.  She is a horrible elitist, infuriatingly condescending, and profoundly narcissistic.

I mean, you didn’t think I REALLY thought I was a 700 year old time lord did you?  Sure I make a lot of jokes about regeneration and am working on a book about temporal transmat theory, but sheesh.  I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic like other people in my family.    

For all her faults, I love Romana, much like Fields loved his ne’er-do-well con man.   And like Fields, it’s hard to find me out of character.   But here is what you’ve got to understand…I am NOT that character.   Anyone who knows me knows that I am easy to get along with.  I am generous to a fault…a BIG fault.   I would rather just suck it up than tell someone they were insulting me….or I would just not associate with that person any longer.   And I certainly wouldn’t criticize someone for not having the advantages of a good education that I had.  

Morgan told me that I shouldn’t do that character off stage because life is not comedy.  Oh, that poor dear child.  When you have been a comedian for long enough, you are NEVER off stage.  It’s like a reflex you develop.  All human interactions become a potential to get a laugh out of someone.  It’s the price we pay for getting hooked on that drug known as performing.  

“But,” says Morgan, “you say you’re only doing it to be funny.  I can tell you, it’s hardly ever funny.”   Alas, it is true.  Not all my jokes and jibes get laughs….in fact, most of them do not.  But then, even Robin Williams isn’t funny all the time.  For the 10% of his jokes that work, you never the 90% of jokes he tried and bombed on.  The trick is to keep trying stuff and sifting out the ones that work from the ones that don’t.

“But,” Morgan continued, “people can’t tell when you are being yourself and when you are in character….”  This is a valid observation.  Therefore, here is a rule of thumb.   If you EVER hear me say something condescending, you can bet that I’m doing my character.  If I ever insult you and it’s clear I knew what I was saying…..in character.   If you ever feel like I’m using big words to belittle you….character.

Now then, can’t we all just get along, you pea-brained talking monkeys?