42 things you probably didn't know about me.

1.       My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic who raised my sister and me alone.  It wasn’t that bad really.  You learn to slip through realities on a dime.

2.       I won my first writing competition when I was in 8^th grade.   I used my whopping ten dollar prize money to buy a book on Freudian Psychology and a comic book.

3.       I sucked my thumb until I was nine.

4.       When I was going up no one knew what transgender meant and just assumed I was gay.  My entire life, everyone thought I was gay.  My friends all thought I was gay.  My teachers thought I was gay.  All those men I had sex with just ASSUMED I was gay.

5.       Although I knew I wanted to be a girl from the time I was four years old, I didn’t actually figure out that I was a transsexual until I was 54 years old.  The problem was that I also knew that I liked girls and even psychiatrists told me that if I liked girls then I could be a real transsexual.  Real transsexuals thought like girls and girls only liked boys. 

6.       I have always been two years older than my sister, but because I always looked younger than I really am and because she is a bossy bitch, people always thought she was the older sibling.

7.       Although I became sexually active in the 70’s, I have only had sexual relations with six women. 

8.       I did try sex with a man once but it was a complete disaster.  All I could think about was “great.  Now I have two penises I don’t know what to do with.”

9.       My life eerily parallels the book “The World According to Garp.”  My mother WAS Jenny Fields.

10.   I fell madly in love with Linda Ronstadt when I was 20 and my passion for her has never wavered in 38 years.

11.   I am still ridiculously in love with my first ever girlfriend.   We found each other again through Facebook and became close friends again….actually too close.   For various reasons, we both agreed that it was best to never see each other again, although doing so initially devastated me as much as our original breakup 40 years ago.  We have an unusual relationship now.   We are still Facebook friends, but we don’t communicate at all.  She doesn’t text me or comment or like any of my statuses and I do likewise.    But I not forbidden from reading her statuses, which I usually do with a silly grin on my face.

12.   I have two children and six grandchildren, although I am not allowed to attend family functions for several of my grandchildren.

13.   When my kids were little, their mother broke up with me.  She then went a little funny in the head and brought up my being trans as evidence of my being a danger to the kids.  When that didn’t work, she accused me of molesting them.  That worked like a charm and although I actually won sole custody of my children, she got the court to force me to give up my parental rights and then disappeared with them.  I did not see my children again for ten years.

14.    Today my children call me Dad and my grandkids call me Grandfather.  Those titles were too hard fought for to give them up for something as inconsequential as changing my sex.

15.   My four year old granddaughter in particular has no problem understanding that I’m a girl now but I used to be a boy.  She sometimes asks me to use my “boy voice” and when I do, she laughs uproariously.

16.   Every woman but one who I’ve had a serious relationship with has been totally nuts.   Thanks Mom.

17.   To this day, I seem only attracted to wildly unstable women. 

18.   I’ve been told I was extremely attractive as a man.  I could never see it.  I’ve always had a difficult time getting women to date me.    I didn’t have a single girlfriend during my college years. 

19.   I am an unabashed amazonophile. 

20.   The most money I ever made writing was the screenplay I wrote for a porn film back in the day when they were filmed and had a script.

21.   The only man I had sex with was a female impersonator who looked amazingly like Reba McIntyre.  Since he was always in drag when we had sex, I’m not sure if that counts.

22.    I played Oberon from A Midsummer’s Night Dream when I was in high school.  It was a great show but being labeled the “king of the fairies” did not help my reputation any.

23.   I was terrible at sports.  One time, when we were playing football in PE, my teammates thought it would be fun to make me the running back…against my fervent protests.  They put me in the line…or behind the line….whatever….and gave me the ball.  I proceeded to run down the field as quickly as I could.  Whenever one of the opposing team got near me, I turned and loudly screamed at him.  It freaked them out so bad that no one even came close to grabbing my flag and I ran 80 yards to a touchdown.   It only worked once.

24.   I am the walrus.

25.   I was married to my third wife for 20 years.   I am still very much in love with her, although she despises the air I breathe because I killed her husband.  I guess I sorta did.

26.   Feeling female makes me happy.  Because of this, I sometimes deliberately do something girly when I’m feeling down.

27.   Alternatively, when I am sad I am always male.  I call it being in “James” mode.  I can’t do my incredibly drag king act any longer because putting on boy clothes again puts me right back into James mode.

28.   James was not a bad person….just a very sad one.   Before I accepted that I was indeed a transsexual, the day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about killing myself.

29.   I weight trained for a year recently.  I got good at it.  I could lift 720 pounds on the linear leg press machine and 200 pounds on the abdominal rotation machine.  But at the same time, I couldn’t get out of my bed in the morning.

30.   I once ran a 10k in 51 minutes. 

31.   I can now run 10k in 90 minutes.

32.   I have never smoked marijuana in my life.  I am hideously allergic to it.  Even a small whiff of someone else smoking can make me sick to my stomach.

33.   I’ve only been drunk twice.  The first time was in college.  I was sick for three days afterwards.  The second time was a new year’s eve when I was alone and drank an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  I wound up drunk texting an old flame. 

34.   I’ve never experienced real girl sex and probably never will.  I did make out with a lesbian once recently.  It was the most amazing sexual experience of my very long life.  We will never have a relationship, but I will always think of her fondly as my first.  Wow, I’m one of the few people who can honestly say had two first sexual encounters.

35.   There are a lot of lesbians who don’t hate men.   Fortunately, I’m not one of them.  I can tolerate most men, but the more masculine a man presents himself, the more I want to destroy him.  I can’t watch a football game without wanting to take a Samurai sword and going all Michonne on all their asses. 

36.   I’m allergic to male pheromones.  That’s one of the reason I hated myself so severely when I was a man.  My own body was producing that crap.  I was in a meeting at work once and was surrounded by men in a very small and hot space.  I actually had to leave the room.  The smell of “man” was intolerable.

37.   I go through 2.5 pounds of raw spinach in a week.

38.   I’ve written two novels and a play.  The books were published and the play was produced, but I haven’t received a dime in royalties for any of them.  FML

39.   While I am a devout worshipper of the Goddess, I am in fact a terrible Wiccan.  I don’t believe in reincarnation and I don’t do spells.  I don’t even pray.  Religious work for me is trying to adjust my wants with what She wants for me. …and fucking Her of course.

40.   I’ve had fireball battles with other Wiccans and can fly…sometimes.   I don’t seem to be able to go higher than a few feet though.

41.   My mother was Scottish and when I was a kid, I had kippers and eggs for breakfast every day….every God-damned day.

42.   I’ve told several people that I’m a 700-year-old TimeLord, but I need to confess that this is a lie.  I only say that to make me sound like I’m much more important than I really am….(I’m really only 300 years old.)