James' Monologue

This is James' monologue from the first act of "Standard Deviations"  This is a good description of my mental state just before I decided to transition.  I was so distraught at the time that I had even chosen the day I was going to "shuffle off that mortal coil." 

To whom it may concern.  I’ve written this letter countless times before and I have no doubt that I will write it again.  I’ll never actually act on it because I’m a complete coward.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to kill myself.  I’ve thought about suicide at least once a day since I was in High School.  Granted, most days it’s like “well, you could always kill yourself.  That’s true.  I could.  Next slide please.”  But it’s always there.  It has been my one constant companion for thirty years.   I’ve been in and out of therapy my entire adult life.  Most therapists don’t have a clue about transsexuals, and some of them are actually afraid of me when I tell them what I’m sad about.  I told one psychiatrist and she said she wanted to hear more but when I actually started talking about it, I noticed her making little protection gestures to distance herself from me. That made me feel so good about myself.  If the shrinks do suggest a treatment, it’s always pills.  I’ve taken every anti-depressant known to science.  They help for a while, but they don’t really touch what’s wrong.  I’m broken. When I look in the mirror I hate that man who looks back at me.  He’s ugly.  He’s a loser. And he smells bad.  I don’t dress up much anymore.  Not like I used to when I was little.  When I was a kid, I could make myself look like a girl.  I could look pretty good.  Now I just look stupid and it just makes me hate myself even more.  And every year my body just gets older and more male.  And I feel further and further from any hope of happiness.  I try to tell myself it’s not a problem any longer, but I’m lying.  I know that deep down I really want to be a ….crap, I can’t even say it out loud any more.