On being a monster: part 2

We are all swimming in a sea of microbes, but that doesn’t mean we are constantly sick.  You only get sick when your body is vulnerable to disease …your immunity is lowered or even exhausted. 

When you are trans, you swim in a sea of angry villagers constantly looking for a way to make you feel like crap …be it making sure you can’t get work or shunning you from family gatherings.  When you’re strong, they can’t touch you.  You can slough off the torches and the pitchforks with style, groaning and flailing your arms to keep them away.   They can’t accept you as human with human rights?  Fine.  You don’t need them.  They fire you from your job because they can’t work with an “it?”  Intercourse them!  You’ll find another job. 

But you’re just one little creature.  You can’t keep them at bay forever.  If you tire, your friends will try to help by prodding you into fighting again.  Don’t let them get to you, they say.  You are strong.  You are powerful.  But cracking a whip will only work for a little time.  Ultimately it just exhausts you even more.  And as soon as the angry villagers see any sort of weakness, they will pounce.  They will double their efforts.  They will provide huge dings to your self-esteem and won’t let up until they have you in chains again and whimpering in the dungeon unable to move…unable to even look up and face your tormentors. 

That’s where I am now.  Almost immediately upon paying for my surgery, I received nearly daily blows to my feelings of worthiness.  They just kept coming, over and over again.  I couldn’t come to terms with one before I was inundated with three more.  I’ve come to the point that I feel like the monster in the dungeon, unable to deal with any of the torches shoved in my face and piling up. I can’t get my connection with my god.  I can’t relax.  And I’m finding it difficult to even move.

To everyone who tried to prop me up and comfort me….I love you all very much.  I DO feel loved.  In fact, I continually reread the more awesome compliments because they are that awesome and that comforting.  But I’m really, really tired.