1.
My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic who
raised my sister and me alone. It wasn’t
that bad really. You learn to slip
through realities on a dime.
2.
I won my first writing competition when I was in
8th grade. I used my whopping
ten dollar prize money to buy a book on Freudian Psychology and a comic book.
3.
I sucked my thumb until I was nine.
4.
When I was going up no one knew what transgender
meant and just assumed I was gay. My
entire life, everyone thought I was gay.
My friends all thought I was gay.
My teachers thought I was gay.
All those men I had sex with just ASSUMED I was gay.
5.
Although I knew I wanted to be a girl from the
time I was four years old, I didn’t actually figure out that I was a transsexual
until I was 54 years old. The problem
was that I also knew that I liked girls and even psychiatrists told me that if
I liked girls then I could be a real transsexual. Real transsexuals thought like girls and
girls only liked boys.
6.
I have always been two years older than my
sister, but because I always looked younger than I really am and because she is
a bossy bitch, people always thought she was the older sibling.
7.
Although I became sexually active in the 70’s, I
have only had sexual relations with six women.
8.
I did try sex with a man once but it was a
complete disaster. All I could think
about was “great. Now I have two penises
I don’t know what to do with.”
9.
My life eerily parallels the book “The World According
to Garp.” My mother WAS Jenny Fields.
10.
I fell madly in love with Linda Ronstadt when I
was 20 and my passion for her has never wavered in 38 years.
11.
I am still ridiculously in love with my first
ever girlfriend. We found each other again through Facebook and
became close friends again….actually too close. For various reasons, we both agreed that it
was best to never see each other again, although doing so initially devastated me
as much as our original breakup 40 years ago.
We have an unusual relationship now.
We are still Facebook friends, but we don’t communicate at all. She doesn’t text me or comment or like any of
my statuses and I do likewise. But I
not forbidden from reading her statuses, which I usually do with a silly grin
on my face.
12.
I have two children and six grandchildren,
although I am not allowed to attend family functions for several of my
grandchildren.
13.
When my kids were little, their mother broke up
with me. She then went a little funny in
the head and brought up my being trans as evidence of my being a danger to the kids. When that didn’t work, she accused me of
molesting them. That worked like a charm
and although I actually won sole custody of my children, she got the court to
force me to give up my parental rights and then disappeared with them. I did not see my children again for ten
years.
14.
Today my
children call me Dad and my grandkids call me Grandfather. Those titles were too hard fought for to give
them up for something as inconsequential as changing my sex.
15.
My four year old granddaughter in particular has
no problem understanding that I’m a girl now but I used to be a boy. She sometimes asks me to use my “boy voice”
and when I do, she laughs uproariously.
16.
Every woman but one who I’ve had a serious
relationship with has been totally nuts.
Thanks Mom.
17.
To this day, I seem only attracted to wildly
unstable women.
18.
I’ve been told I was extremely attractive as a
man. I could never see it. I’ve always had a difficult time getting
women to date me. I didn’t
have a single girlfriend during my college years.
19.
I am an unabashed amazonophile.
20.
The most money I ever made writing was the
screenplay I wrote for a porn film back in the day when they were filmed and
had a script.
21.
The only man I had sex with was a female
impersonator who looked amazingly like Reba McIntyre. Since he was always in drag when we had sex,
I’m not sure if that counts.
22.
I played
Oberon from A Midsummer’s Night Dream when I was in high school. It was a great show but being labeled the “king
of the fairies” did not help my reputation any.
23.
I was terrible at sports. One time, when we were playing football in PE,
my teammates thought it would be fun to make me the running back…against my fervent
protests. They put me in the line…or
behind the line….whatever….and gave me the ball. I proceeded to run down the field as quickly
as I could. Whenever one of the opposing
team got near me, I turned and loudly screamed at him. It freaked them out so bad that no one even
came close to grabbing my flag and I ran 80 yards to a touchdown. It only worked once.
24.
I am the walrus.
25.
I was married to my third wife for 20
years. I am still very much in love
with her, although she despises the air I breathe because I killed her
husband. I guess I sorta did.
26.
Feeling female makes me happy. Because of this, I sometimes deliberately do
something girly when I’m feeling down.
27.
Alternatively, when I am sad I am always
male. I call it being in “James”
mode. I can’t do my incredibly drag king
act any longer because putting on boy clothes again puts me right back into
James mode.
28.
James was not a bad person….just a very sad
one. Before I accepted that I was
indeed a transsexual, the day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about killing
myself.
29.
I weight trained for a year recently. I got good at it. I could lift 720 pounds on the linear leg
press machine and 200 pounds on the abdominal rotation machine. But at the same time, I couldn’t get out of
my bed in the morning.
30.
I once ran a 10k in 51 minutes.
31.
I can now run 10k in 90 minutes.
32.
I have never smoked marijuana in my life. I am hideously allergic to it. Even a small whiff of someone else smoking
can make me sick to my stomach.
33.
I’ve only been drunk twice. The first time was in college. I was sick for three days afterwards. The second time was a new year’s eve when I
was alone and drank an entire bottle of champagne by myself. I wound up drunk texting an old flame.
34.
I’ve never experienced real girl sex and
probably never will. I did make out with
a lesbian once recently. It was the most
amazing sexual experience of my very long life.
We will never have a relationship, but I will always think of her fondly
as my first. Wow, I’m one of the few people
who can honestly say had two first sexual encounters.
35.
There are a lot of lesbians who don’t hate
men. Fortunately, I’m not one of
them. I can tolerate most men, but the
more masculine a man presents himself, the more I want to destroy him. I can’t watch a football game without wanting
to take a Samurai sword and going all Michonne on all their asses.
36.
I’m allergic to male pheromones. That’s one of the reason I hated myself so
severely when I was a man. My own body
was producing that crap. I was in a
meeting at work once and was surrounded by men in a very small and hot
space. I actually had to leave the
room. The smell of “man” was
intolerable.
37.
I go through 2.5 pounds of raw spinach in a
week.
38.
I’ve written two novels and a play. The books were published and the play was
produced, but I haven’t received a dime in royalties for any of them. FML
39.
While I am a devout worshipper of the Goddess, I
am in fact a terrible Wiccan. I don’t
believe in reincarnation and I don’t do spells.
I don’t even pray. Religious work
for me is trying to adjust my wants with what She wants for me. …and fucking
Her of course.
40.
I’ve had fireball battles with other Wiccans and
can fly…sometimes. I don’t seem to be
able to go higher than a few feet though.
41.
My mother was Scottish and when I was a kid, I
had kippers and eggs for breakfast every day….every God-damned day.
42.
I’ve told several people that I’m a 700-year-old
TimeLord, but I need to confess that this is a lie. I only say that to make me sound like I’m
much more important than I really am….(I’m really only 300 years old.)
