The Secret

Forget "the Secret."  Here is the real secret to living a successful and fulfilling life.  

1. Let go of your suffering and your desire...in short,  "Let it be."
2. Laugh and dance and sing and laugh.  You can't do too much of any of these things....especially the laughing part.
3. While on your journey, help as many people as you can.  And remember to do it without revealing your secret identity to anyone....sort of like Batman. 

These rules are of course extremely hard to do, especially the letting go part.  Think of them as goals to strive for. 

Surviving the Total Perspective Vortex

In “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe” Douglas Adams describes a torture device called the Total Perspective Vortex. Victims placed inside the device are shown their infinitesimal place within the immensity of the universe. The minds of nearly everyone who is thrown into the TPV are completely crushed by the experience.

Recently, I experienced a series of soul-crushing events that were so extreme and happened so closely together that it was very much like being thrown into the TPV. The experience caused me to back away from nearly all interactions with people until I could reassess my life and my relative position in the universe. 

One ding to my self-actualization came when I discovered that I was forbidden from going to my own granddaughter’s birthday party….again. I knew right away (and had this later confirmed by said granddaughter) that I was not allowed to go because the LDS side of the family “does not like me.” (i.e. I am a freak and a danger to children.) It was a perfect example of irrational bigotry (as opposed to reasoned and rational bigotry.)

I was hurt. I was angry. My rage was justified, but lashing out to that bigotry with unreasoned bigotry of my own was not. My comments on this thread were out of line. I offer no excuses but simply and humbly apologize to my Mormon friends (if I have any left) for my words. 

Another soul-crushing to my well-being occurred when several comedians came together to criticize “burners.” They called them dirty and disgusting and that they should just get a job. Every insult that used to be hurled at hippies was now re-hashed and hurled at people who are dear friends of mine …including my own daughter.

I attempted (perhaps too zealously) to explain that they were being bigoted and prejudiced against people they didn’t know. That’s when the shit storm hit. Suddenly all their ire turned directly at me. My attempts to defend myself only gave them more ammunition. It ended up with personal attacks on my character…that I didn’t know what humor was and that I was a hypocrite. They meant it to sting and it worked. I was in tears.

I did nothing wrong and will not apologize for my words. But in hindsight, my mistake was to get involved in the conversation in the first place. They were comedians after all. Being snarky is what they do. What did I expect? It was like plopping down into a pit of scorpions and saying “say, did you guys ever think about NOT being scorpions for a while?” That sort of thing rarely ends well.
Lesson learned. In the future I will do my best to stay out of any thread that is insulting to me or anyone I love. No more trying to teach a pig to sing.

One word from those that commented on this thread…if someone is already dizzy and reeling from personal attacks and criticism, it’s probably not a good idea …however well-meaning it may be…to add more criticism on top of it.

Several of my critics accused me of being a “narcissist.” This is particularly troubling as several people in the past, independently of each other, have referred to me in this way.

It is doubtful that many of my “comforters” are aware of the clinical definition of narcissism. A narcissist is not just someone who is in love with themselves. They are abusively so. They seek out victims (called the “Narcissistic Supply”) who can provide the narcissist someone to dump on and belittle. A large part of my reassessment consisted of trying to figure out if I was one of these people after all…if the criticism of “malignant self-love” could accurately describe me. I didn’t think I was abusive but I wondered if it is possible to be abusive and not be aware of it. I actively avoided people because I didn’t want to take a chance that I really was a narcissist and seeking out a new supply.
I think now, though, that what my critics were actually accusing me of was something more akin to being “self-absorbed,” and there is some truth in this. Yes, I am quick to take offense. We “People of Trans” live in a state of nearly constant denigration of our very existence, and we cope with it in different ways. Some hide from the criticism and go completely stealth. They pretend that they aren’t trans at all or insist that they are no longer trans. Those that choose to be out about their affliction often have their sense of humor completely burned out of them. Some retreat into themselves and have a difficult time considering anyone’s pain but their own. Almost all develop hair-trigger anger responses to criticism.

Pain ennobles no one.

I think it is unlikely that I am narcissistic in this clinical sense.  Narcissists do not respond to criticism well. They dismiss the criticism out of hand and personally attack the ones that dared to criticize them. I DO NOT DO THAT...so I can completely dismiss anything those fucking idiots said about me.

I’m sure a large part of the accusations come from my tendency to assume that if anyone is angry at all or expressing anger, it must assuredly be because of something I did. This is a family legacy. Paranoia runs deep in our tribe. (I say this not as an excuse for the behavior but as way of explanation.) The important thing is that this week, when I was trying to fit the shattered shards of my life back into something resembling a human being, I discovered that this was my mother’s energy, not mine. Consequently, it was the one thing I wanted very much NOT to reintegrate.
It will be a difficult struggle since I am fighting against my biology, but I very much hope to be able to accomplish this. I have lived with the fear of becoming as certifiably insane as my mother for many years. Perhaps, if I can be free of this, I will be free of that fear once and for all.

In the meantime, I deeply apologize to anyone that my familial paranoia has alienated or offended.