FTS

A recent blow to my ego from a family member triggered a shit storm of self-hatred. Some days are worse than others, but it never goes away. 

It's not depression. I know depression well. Depression is an emptiness, flatness. Depression is the absence of emotion. It's like soul death. This is different. It's raw unadulterated fury. This is fiery hatred and disgust with my existence.

This is a fire and brimstone preacher unrelenting in their condemnation of me to hell.  I'm fat and can't move without difficulty. I'm isolated and alone because no one can stand to be around me. I'm a trans freak. I can't write for shit. Thinking that my work (writing, comedy, or art) has any value to anyone is complete self delusion. I am utterly inconsequential and could disappear for months before anyone even noticed I was gone.   No one will even read this blog entry. 

I'm trapped and can't get away from this tormentor.  I can't seek "professional help" because I'm one of the "fell through the cracks" people without insurance.  Retiring early did get me away from all the bigots that made my life hell, but it also cut me off of having funds to deal with any of this. 

I'll just have to slog through it on my own.   I know that well too.